A crime has been going on inside the internet. It is one
that I myself am guilty of, along with the community of bloggers out there
focusing on such stories as the Valerie Plame scandal and the Supreme Court
nominee. It is now my duty, not only as a blogger, but also as a citizen of
humanity to spend the justified attention on this highly important issue that
will be facing America soon.

The produce industry has decided to do away with those
pesky labels that so viscously annoyed shoppers throughout the years. Everyone
should know the ones I am talking about. You get home and are ready to make
yourself a BLT. You reach in your grocery bag to pull out your tomato. Now you
prepare to clean it, only to fight that annoying piece of paper that someone has
glued onto it which tells you that in fact it is a tomato.

Luckily the good folks in the produce industry have
realized the agonizing pain these labels put us through and have now developed a
new technique. Instead of burdening us with that sticky, slimy piece of fiber,
they will now “tattoo” the name of the item into its skin using laser
technology. This is the kind of technology we need.

This makes me proud of our country. Just think of what it
could be like if those scientists had to sit there and waste their time on
something like stem cell research. Thank God our Congress has prevented that, so
more important technologies like fruit tattooing can be discovered.

There are other pluses to this new technology besides the
prevention of sticky fingers. This will also aid in furthering the No Child Left
Behind act. This marvel of modern technology will assist the check out clerks
who have to try and differentiate between an apple and a orange while there
lines build up. No longer will they face the inevitable price check because a
sticker fell off some produce.

Perhaps though there is a hidden benefit to this technology
– one that has yet to be explored. The government considers fruits and
vegetables a vital part of our diet. Fruits and vegetables combined to comprise
1/3 of the food pyramid after all. This means that every American will eat
something that has been tattooed.

Inside sources now believe that the government has
developed a nanotechnology that will allow microscopic computer chips to be
injected into our fruits and vegetables.  These small computers, when used in
conjunction with global positioning satellites, will give the government a
precise way of tracking every person within its borders. This technology is of
course covered under the U.S.A. Patriot Act.

Ok so I made that last part up. There is no hidden
conspiracy, but now I am sure one will be written about on the internet.

The fact is this kind of story is getting attention in the
mainstream media today. The day after we get a Supreme Court nominee, and during
the height of the Karl Rove/Scooter Libby/Valerie Plame scandal, we get this as
our news. Sure it is a lighter side to the news, but I would much rather see
reporters on a network station such as CBS or CNN spend their time on issues
that are more important like the ones I mentioned. Why here is a though – stop
taking the RNC talking points as gospel when it comes to the Valerie Plame leak.
Go out and do some real investigating, or spend an hour on the internet with
good old Google and see how phony they are.

With stories like “the tattooing of fruit gaining” the
attention of reporters, it is no wonder why the American people would rather see
who gets kicked off the island, or which geek the beauty will pick.